Photo by Magenta
We often talk about personal growth as though it should feel good. We imagine becoming more confident, more self-aware, more comfortable with who we are. Perhaps we picture a sense of inner peace, a clearer sense of purpose, or finally feeling that we’re living the life we’re supposed to be living.
And sometimes growth does feel like that. But sometimes it feels like we’re losing our way.
We begin questioning things we once took for granted. The roles we’ve played, the expectations we’ve lived up to, even the things we’ve worked hard to achieve can begin to feel strangely unfamiliar. We might recognise that something needs to change without knowing what that change should look like. And perhaps most confusingly, we might find ourselves wanting to move forward while simultaneously longing for the familiarity of what we’re leaving behind.
Personal growth can feel uncomfortable because changing how we understand ourselves often means questioning familiar beliefs, behaviours and identities long before we’ve developed new ones. This period of uncertainty is a natural and very normal possibility during meaningful change, although everyone’s experience will be different:
Sometimes we interpret this as a spiritual awakening. Sometimes it’s a change in our relationships, the way we run our business, or how we approach leadership.
Whatever language we use, there is often something deeply human happening beneath the surface.
We’re learning to become someone we haven’t quite learned how to be yet.
Why does personal growth sometimes feel so uncomfortable?
One of the difficult things about personal growth is that we don’t always recognise it while it’s happening. We tend to notice growth retrospectively, when we look back and realise that something which once felt impossible has become ordinary.
But while we’re in the middle of changing, the experience can be quite different.
Imagine someone who has spent much of their life being dependable. They’re the person everyone turns to, the one who solves problems, takes responsibility and rarely asks for help.
Over time, they begin to recognise that being dependable has become tangled up with their sense of worth. They want to establish healthier boundaries. They want relationships in which they’re valued for who they are, rather than simply what they can do for others. Yet the first time they say no, they feel guilty. Their understanding of themselves has changed, but their emotional responses haven’t necessarily changed with it.
Or consider someone running a small creative or spiritually oriented business. They started their business because they wanted to do meaningful work, perhaps with greater freedom and authenticity. But somewhere along the way, they’ve found themselves following other people’s definitions of success. They know they want to work differently, yet changing direction feels risky. The practises they’re questioning may also be the ones that have helped them build a livelihood.
For a leader, the experience might look different again. Perhaps they’ve built their career on being knowledgeable, decisive and reliable. Their expertise has been recognised and rewarded. Now they’re moving into a role where success depends less on having the answers and more on helping other people find them. They understand the importance of empowering others, but stepping back feels uncomfortable. They may worry that not knowing the answer makes them less credible.
In each of these situations, something similar is happening.
The way someone understands themselves is beginning to change, but the familiar ways they’ve learned to operate are still present.
And that can be an uncomfortable place to find ourselves.
The messy middle of personal change
There’s a period during meaningful change that we like to think of as the “messy middle”. It’s the space between recognising that something needs to change and feeling comfortable living differently.
We may have begun questioning old beliefs without having fully developed new ones. We may be practising different behaviours while still experiencing familiar emotional reactions. Sometimes we move forward confidently. Other times, we find ourselves slipping into habits we thought we’d left behind.
It’s tempting to interpret those moments as evidence that we haven’t really changed, but understanding something differently, and being able to live that understanding consistently, are not always the same thing.
A person learning to set boundaries may still feel anxious about disappointing others.
A business owner trying to create a more sustainable way of working may still feel compelled to be constantly productive.
A leader learning to coach rather than direct may still find themselves offering solutions before their colleagues have had time to think.
These experiences don’t necessarily mean the change isn’t happening. They may mean that the person is still learning how to inhabit it.
Of course, not every uncomfortable experience is evidence of growth. Sometimes discomfort tells us that something is unsafe, unsustainable or simply not right for us.
The important thing is to remain curious about what the discomfort might be telling us, rather than assuming we must push through it.
When the person you’ve been no longer quite fits
Carl Rogers, one of the founders of humanistic psychology, explored the importance of congruence: the relationship between how we experience ourselves and how we understand or present who we are.
When there’s a significant difference between these things, we may experience tension or discomfort. We might feel that we’re performing a version of ourselves that other people recognise, but which no longer feels entirely authentic. This can happen in our personal relationships, our businesses and our professional lives.
Perhaps we’ve always described ourselves as independent, but we’re beginning to recognise a need for greater connection. Perhaps we’ve built a business around a particular identity, only to discover that our values and ambitions have evolved. Or perhaps we’ve become known as the person who always knows what to do, when what we increasingly want is to create space for other people to contribute.
None of these changes necessarily requires us to reject who we’ve been. The dependable person doesn’t need to stop caring about others. The business owner doesn’t need to abandon their ambition. The leader doesn’t need to discard their expertise.
Instead, growth may involve finding a different relationship with those qualities. We begin to recognise that the characteristics which have helped us reach one stage of life don’t always need to define how we approach the next, and sometimes that recognition changes much more than our behaviour. It changes how we understand ourselves.
Is personal growth the same as spiritual awakening?
For some people, this change in self-understanding is experienced as a spiritual awakening. They may begin questioning beliefs they’ve held for years, feeling drawn towards deeper reflection, or becoming more interested in their relationship with themselves, other people and the wider world. Spiritual practises such as meditation, tarot, ritual or contemplation might help them explore these experiences and give meaning to what they’re discovering.
For others, the same broad process of questioning and reassessment may have nothing to do with spirituality. For example, a business owner might describe it as finding greater alignment between their values and their work. Or a leader might recognise it as developing greater emotional awareness, empathy or the ability to work with uncertainty. Someone exploring their personal relationships might simply describe it as learning to be themselves.
These experiences aren’t identical, and spiritual awakening carries meanings that go beyond psychological development, but they can share a common thread: a growing awareness that the way we’ve been living no longer fully reflects what matters to us.
Personal growth and spiritual awakening can overlap, but they are not the same thing. Personal growth involves developing our understanding, capabilities or ways of relating to ourselves and others. Spiritual awakening is one possible way people interpret a profound change in awareness, meaning or connection. Neither requires everyone to follow the same path, and neither means we must eventually arrive at some perfect state of enlightenment.
Finding peace doesn’t mean removing uncertainty
When we imagine finding inner peace, we sometimes picture a life in which we’ve resolved our difficulties. We know who we are. We understand what we want. We make decisions confidently and no longer worry about whether we’re doing the right thing. But we’re not sure that’s how peace always works. Perhaps peace has more to do with changing our relationship with it.
A person who has developed greater self-acceptance may still feel anxious about setting a boundary. But they might not interpret that anxiety as proof they’re doing something wrong.
A business owner may still worry about whether a new direction will succeed. But they might become more comfortable making thoughtful decisions without constantly comparing themselves with others.
A leader may still feel pressure to have the answers. But they might learn that saying “I don’t know yet” can create an opportunity for shared thinking rather than undermine their credibility.
In each case, the external circumstances may not have changed dramatically. What has changed is the person’s relationship with their own experience. They no longer need every uncomfortable feeling to disappear before they can act, and perhaps that is one of the quieter forms of personal growth…becoming someone who can make room for doubt without allowing it to determine every decision.
Self-awareness is important, but it isn’t the whole journey
Abraham Maslow’s work on human motivation and self-actualisation explored our capacity to develop and realise our potential. It’s an idea that continues to resonate with people interested in personal development. We think it’s important not to interpret self-actualisation as a destination at which we finally become a complete or perfect version of ourselves. Human beings continue to change. Our relationships evolve, our circumstances shift and the things we value at one stage of life may not be the things we value at another. Self-awareness helps us notice these changes.
We might recognise patterns in our behaviour, become more conscious of our emotional responses or begin questioning assumptions we’ve rarely examined, but awareness alone doesn’t always create the change we want.
We might understand why we struggle to say no and still find it difficult to establish boundaries. We might recognise that our business is exhausting us and still feel unable to reduce our workload. We might understand the value of empowering colleagues and still struggle to relinquish control. This is where reflection needs to meet experience, through giving ourselves opportunities to practise.
Practising those small decisions. Those different conversations. Those new boundaries. Or those moments when we notice an old pattern and choose to respond differently, and sometimes those moments when we don’t. Because learning to live differently often involves repetition, patience and a willingness to be imperfect.
How can you find your way through uncomfortable personal growth?
When you’re experiencing a period of personal change, it can be tempting to look for an answer that will make the uncertainty disappear, but sometimes the most useful starting point is asking what might already be changing. Here are a few questions we find useful when reflecting on periods of transition.
1. What no longer feels quite right?
You don’t necessarily need to know what you want instead. Sometimes recognising that a familiar way of thinking, behaving or working no longer fits is enough to begin exploring.
2. What has this old way of being given you?
Our familiar patterns often developed for understandable reasons. Being the dependable person may have helped us feel valued. Working constantly may have helped us build a business. Being the expert may have helped us establish credibility. Understanding what these patterns have offered us can help us approach change with compassion rather than self-criticism.
3. What might you want to preserve?
Growth doesn’t require us to discard everything that came before. There may be qualities, relationships, beliefs or practises that continue to serve us. The task may be to carry those things forward differently, rather than leave them behind.
4. What would a small experiment look like?
Instead of attempting to transform everything at once, consider one opportunity to practise a different response. Perhaps it’s setting a modest boundary, making a business decision that reflects your values, or allowing a colleague to work through a problem without immediately offering a solution. The purpose being to discover what happens when you try something different.
5. What support might make this easier?
Change doesn’t have to be a solitary process. A trusted friend, counsellor, coach, mentor or supportive community may help you explore what you’re experiencing, and if the change involves difficult relationships, workplace pressures or practical financial concerns, support may also need to address those external circumstances rather than focusing solely on your mindset.
Where humanistic magick fits into personal change
At Magenta School of Magick, we bring together ideas from humanistic psychology, counselling, coaching, NLP and hypnotherapy with reflective and spiritual practises to support meaningful, lasting change. We call this approach Humanistic Magick.
But the starting point is always the person. Never the tools.
What are they experiencing? What matters to them? What might be changing in how they understand themselves? And what would help them explore that change in a way that feels meaningful and manageable?
For someone who connects with spirituality, tarot, meditation or ritual might provide a symbolic way to explore their experience.
For someone running a business, the work might involve reflecting on their values, understanding familiar patterns or experimenting with different ways of working.
For a leader, it might involve developing self-awareness, practising coaching conversations or becoming more comfortable creating space for others.
Different tools may be appropriate for different people. What matters is that the approach respects the individual’s experience, rather than assuming everyone should follow the same path and importantly, that reflection needs to connect with everyday life. We can develop a new understanding of ourselves, but it’s through our choices, relationships and behaviours that we begin learning what that understanding means in practise.
Perhaps you’re further along than you think
One of the curious things about personal growth is that we often measure it against the person we think we should have become.
We notice the boundary we struggled to maintain, rather than the fact that we recognised the need for one in the first place. We focus on the business decision we’re still afraid to make, rather than acknowledging that our understanding of success has changed. We remember the moment we stepped in to solve a problem, rather than the many occasions when we gave someone else the space to find their own answer.
And because we haven’t yet arrived at the place we imagined, we assume we haven’t made much progress. But perhaps progress isn’t always found in the distance between where we are and where we want to be. Sometimes it’s found in the difference between how we understand ourselves today and how we understood ourselves a year ago.
The questions we’re now willing to ask.
The assumptions we’re beginning to challenge.
The things we’re no longer prepared to accept without reflection.
Perhaps finding peace through personal growth is about becoming more comfortable with who we are, more compassionate towards who we’ve been, and more willing to explore who we might become and not because we’ve finally found all the answers because we’re learning that we don’t need all the answers to begin living differently.
Frequently asked questions about personal growth
Is it normal to feel uncomfortable during personal growth?
Yes. Personal growth can involve questioning familiar beliefs, behaviours and identities, which may create uncertainty. Discomfort doesn’t automatically mean something is wrong, but it isn’t always a sign of growth either. Understanding what’s causing the discomfort can help you decide what support or change you need.
Why do I feel like I’m losing myself when I’m changing?
Sometimes personal change challenges the roles and identities that have helped us understand who we are. When those familiar ways of being no longer fit, we may temporarily feel uncertain about ourselves. This doesn’t necessarily mean we’re losing our identity; we may be reconsidering which parts of it we want to carry forward.
Can personal growth happen without spiritual awakening?
Absolutely. Personal growth can involve developing self-awareness, changing behaviours, building confidence or reconsidering relationships and values. Some people understand these experiences spiritually, while others approach them through psychology, reflection, coaching or everyday experience.
How long does the uncomfortable stage of personal growth last?
There is no fixed timeline. The experience depends on the nature of the change, personal circumstances, available support and whether external conditions also need to change. Some transitions are relatively brief, while others involve extended periods of adjustment and experimentation.
How can I find peace when my life is changing?
Finding peace during change doesn’t necessarily mean eliminating uncertainty. It may involve developing greater self-acceptance, recognising what is within your control, seeking appropriate support and practising new ways of responding to difficult situations. Sometimes it also means changing those circumstances that are no longer sustainable.
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